Ask a Snowtrooper

Dear Snowtrooper,
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Why is it that every time I sit down to eat, watch TV, or get busy with my lady, does the telephone ring? Who is on the line, you ask? Telemarketers, that's who. I swear these people are like an evil empire out to rule the [expletive deleted] galaxy! They must be stopped! What can I do?

- Caller ID Blocked

Dear Blocked,
The Blastech E-11 blaster , the standard issue sidearm for Imperial snowtroopers, has a light weight, well balanced design with a magazine capacity of 100 shots. Equipped with an ergonomic pistol grip for one-handed firing as well as long range firing fold out shoulder stock for long range accuracy, you can target hostiles up to 300 meters. Do not worry about stopping power because the 25 mm particle beam will penetrate any armor, leaving a exit wound the size of your helmet, and therefore dropping any rebel in your path quickly and efficiently.

Dear Snowtrooper,
I got an email from Microsoft that said if I passed this chain email on to everyone I know, Bill Gates will pay me gobs of money. Is this true? How will he know I passed it on? How does he contact me persoanlly to let me know that my money is ready.

-Broke and Desperate

Dear B&D,
Snow drifts are always a problem for the Imperial Snowtrooper. Luckily for us, all Imperial forces are requisitioned a Merr-Sonn Class A Thermal Grenade. A single baradium core grenade can disintegrate up to two meters of permacrete, so clearing a path through a snow bank is no problem for even the greenest of troopers. Simply set the timer on the grenade for 5 second delay, twist the activation end cap clockwise one half turn, then toss the grenade towards the target. Stand back the approved safe distance and await the result.

Dear Snowtrooper,
How do stereo speakers work and how do I fix them? Mine were working fine the other day but now they are cutting out and crackling during the high notes of my Led Zepplin albums. I can't live like this and I can't afford to buy new speakers.

-Musically Challenged on Dantooine

Dear Challenged,
While being a highly effective weapon against vehicle and infantry units alike, setting up the Blastech E-Web Repeating Blaster can prove to be a tedious task at times. If the 4T3 generator unit is "cold," it can take upwards to 15 minutes for the operators to power up and deploy the unit. Typically an E-web gunnery crew should pre charge the generator, which would allow them to concentrate on set up of the TR-62 autocushion tripod. When executed properly this way, the formidable E-Web blaster can be deployed in under 3 minutes, which is enough time to take on any insurgents in the area, barring that no enemy autocannons are firing upon your setup location.

TS-0801 is a combat-decorated "Blizzard Squad" Snowtrooper and galactically syndicated advice columnist. His weekly column, Ask A Snowtrooper, appears in 250 newsfeeds galaxywide. If you have a question that you would like answered by TS-0801, Email Us and we'll slide him the question. (Special thanks to theOnion.com for pointing us towards TS-0801's column)